Normally okay

written by: Donavan N. Johnston

Family ties are important to most cultures. Often it is our family who defines us and makes who we are. In a traditional family there are the parents consisting of a father and mother, and their kids. Yet in nontraditional families there could be two fathers or two mother and the kid or kids. The impact of the nontraditional family can have impact on both the child relationship with their parents, and an impact on the parent's relationships also. When we look into female lesbian relationship we see many similarities compared to traditional families. Values, beliefs and a willingness to succeed are at the core of all families. Yet often in gay and lesbian cohabitations the roles are not defined and it leaves people search for their role in their belief of family. While a cohabitation of Lesbian relationship is non traditional, it has it traditional problems when the partners are dealing with each other. The problems are even greater when there are children in the mix.

For the most part a lesbian cohabitation is just like a traditional family. They have a mother and the other spouse plays the role of a father. Normally both partners work and provide, yet in some cases one partner might work while the other stays at home. Often this cohabitation is kept in secret to other family members and the partner is referred to as a friend. They keep an open communication with each other, yet like a traditional family they have their share of problems.

One of the problems they have the most is dealing with they kids, and communicating with them. There are two types of children on lesbian and gay cohabitations. The first is kids who were born in traditional families with a mother and father, who end up divorcing. The other is the children who are born into or adopted by one partner who are raised by the couple in their cohabitation. For the children who come from traditional families to a lesbian cohabitation the road to being with their mother is difficult. For the most part courts have been deeming lesbian mothers unsuitable as parents on grounds that the mother have a psychiatric disorder, they have lost their maternal instinct and they or their partner might abuse the children (Tasker et al.,1997 pg.8). The impact is the children loose contact with their mother and loose the bonds they have formed. For this reason a lot of women who divorce because they are lesbian, keep it a secret hidden to people. The adolescent is then forced to find out about their mother new friendships. In the book Out of the Ordinary complied by Noelle Howey and Ellen Samuels, they have a collection of stories from children, now adults, and how they dealt with their mom being lesbian. One of children writes about how she found out her mom was gay, “My mother sat me on the edged of my bed and told me about love in a smoothing tone… Anne (the partner) and I have grown to care about each other very much… and I love Anne.” The child writes that when she did not respond that her mom asked her to respect the decision she made, when the child wanted was “her to be miserable” (Howey, 2000 pg.30). Another child who was left in the dark about finding out their parents was gay wrote they didn't know how to explain it to them, in a journal, and it was easier for them not too know (Howey, 2000 pg 204). Both of these children had had very personal relationships with their mothers, and felt a feeling of betrayal when they found out.

The question then needs to be asked, what do children raises in a family with two mothers and no fathers. Pregnancy is achieved sometimes by heterosexual intercourse, or artificial insemination, or by having one partner adopt a child. There are problems that faced with this, yet the relationship goes on and the partners find their role in raising the child (Tasker et al., 1997 pg 12). This is al nice yet how does a child feel and develop relationships with his two mothers? Often the case is that the child develops and attachment to on as the mom and the other as good close friend or mom. Later on in life however, the child sometimes does not keep the relationships they have had with their mother and do not discuss anything with them. This strain on relationships is in both children who were born into lesbian cohabitation and those who mom became a lesbian (Tasker et al., 1997 pg 128).

So after they found out do they keep a relationship with their mother? Most do, while others are just friends with their mom and her friend. In a study done in the 1990 Tasker and Golombok found out that twenty-five percent still kept a relationship with their mom in there cohabitation. This shows that there was some drop off in relationship with their mom, yet for comparison only thirty-five percent of the children of heterosexual parents interviewed had relations with their mother (Tasker et al., 1997 pg 57). With the quality of the relationship most of the children interviewed were happy with the quality of their relationship with their mother. They were also pleased with the relationship they had with their mother's partner.

So does having children in the relationship make it all glamorous and wonderful afterwards? Do the partners stay together for the sake of the children, or are they like any heterosexual couple and have fight and difficulties and break ups? Well in the Omaha World Herald there was an article published on December 3, 2003 it discusses the problems with a lesbian cohabitation and their break up. The article focuses on their legal troubles, yet deals with the child relationship, because one of the partners had adopted a child. The mother, the partner of the adopted child, was trying to get her child back from her former partner whom she was now claiming as her nanny, not her partner. The partner was claiming she was more of a parent to the child, because she had given up her job and raised the boy, while her partner sent money home because she was on active military duty. The child thought of the partner, not his adoptive mother, as his primary care giver (Cooper, 12/3/2003 ). The entire situation was a total mess. Friendships and relationship were destroyed, and the bonds that a child made could be uprooted and he might not see the person he has attached a primary emotional bond with again. In the long run instead of having a relationship the couple ends up with nothing except for one person wondering what happened to his world.

Let us finally shift the focus to the partnership. When two women fall in love or two people fall in love there is always going to be rough parts. Often when a women meets another women she is scared to meet her, even having to be pushed into a private room with the girl (Duberman et al 1989, 438). It is during this time that the ladies figure out if this was a fluke or do they want to peruse the relationship. In that study of history by Duberman and company they looked at history of lesbian relationships and how they were formed. They concluded that most of the relationships were of free will and that they were not forced. They also concluded that everyone knew what the circumstance were going in, and coming out.

Having a relationship is not any easy task. Whether it is a heterosexual or homosexual relationship they do take time. In a heterosexual relationship the roles are more easily defined and people know their part. Yet in a lesbian relationship the roles struggle. Every relationship has problem, yet in Lesbian and gay relationship the problems can be worse because of the circumstances. If there are children involved the problems mount on one another. The children if they come from it from the outside can often feel out of place and resentment to their mothers. While on the same token those born and raised in a cohabitation with a mother and her partner, can have problem of feeling close to one another and even not wanting to have a relationship with their parent later on. If the lesbian couple breaks up even more trouble can come and a child can be lost. With all of this doesn't make sense that if your going to be in a homosexual relationship, just do not have kids. It could make a lot of lives a lot easier in the long run.